It’s like turning on a light switch that had been weighed down by despair and self-loathing. Like a compact fluorescent that gets brighter and brighter, however, I’m feeling my own power over my life.
I’ve lost about fifteen pounds (with a hundred still needing to go), but things began changing well before this morning’s penance at the scale. The outward signs of the change are still small. When you’re seriously overweight, it takes more than a few pounds for the loss to show outside, but I am feeling in the change inside.
The Big Guy gets credit for a lot of things, but he especially gets credit for telling me I’m beautiful when I’m significantly overweight. I don’t believe it, but he makes me believe he believes it, and that’s everything.
Being overweight in this country has become almost a moral failing, but when I start to lose, I don’t suddenly feel more moral or even more beautiful. I breathe better. My body begins to function better. Mostly, even though my jeans are starting to need a belt, I can’t squeeze the loathing in as easily.
The trick now is not to turn on the switch, but how to keep it on this time.