It’s All In Your Head

soldier on

I started deflating at the beginning of November.

I try not to write about the shrivelling because I don’t want my blog to be therapy (my writing is, but that’s another story for the commitment hearing) or a place to wallow. Sometimes that means I withdraw from it and other things I care about for a while.

The funny thing I’ve discovered about depression is that it’s not always weeks of crying or anguish. Often it’s softer and more insidious. It’s a shrinking from life.  It’s feeling a soft, wet, layered flannel strait jacket wrapping around you and not feeling the muscle power to push it off.  And, for me, it’s a lifetime of wondering why I can’t just shake it off and soldier on.

After all, it’s all my head, right?

If it weren’t for the plastic boot encasing my foot propped up on the pillow-padded recliner, I’d still be wondering that.

But things happen. Sometimes you find yourself surfing a couch for 3 to 8 weeks, ceding control of your life but still telling yourself you should just shake it off.  You tell yourself you can handle the grocery shopping again and that driving home at night with one good eye is just as safe as it was with two eyes right up until you slam on your brakes to narrowly avoid that deer that you swear wasn’t there five seconds ago. And then you find yourself sentenced to another night with your foot in the air and your derriere in the chair because there was a whole lotta shaking going on that day.

Then you realize that you can’t always shake it off because bum legs aren’t necessarily just in your head and, neither, possibly, is a bum brain.  All you can do is ride it out, holding on for dear life and reminding yourself that there will be long, unimpeded walks again.  There may even a time when you can once more differentiate between your bum and your brain which, while it literally is in your head (if you’re lucky), doesn’t really respond well to being shook off.

The Sporting News

Still skating life

One afternoon for each of eight winter weeks, almost every school kid in Vermont gets out of school early for Winter Sports.  The ski resorts and skating areas offer extremely reduced prices on lessons and equipment, and the Winter Sports take the place of phys ed for our kids.

This year I can’t get up the mountain, so we’re skating.  That is, eight-year-old Thing2 skates while fourteen-year-old Thing1 tests the menu at the snack bar and the limit of my wallet and I doodle and catch up with parents I haven’t seen since before Christmas.

Even though I’m wearing a fracture boot to negotiate a snowy parking lot in the winter, it’s a good antidote for cabin fever.

Still Life

a still life jan 2015

It’s been almost a month since an unexpected attempt at a split laid me up.  It’s taken a toll on what previously could only generously been called my housekeeping regimen, but it’s also taken a toll on my blog.

I’ve written. I’ve write everyday. Serious tendon damage has me avoiding swelling by keeping my leg up for most of the day, however, making drawing awkward and physically uncomfortable.

A non-arting artist being just as neurotic as a non-writing writer, and I finally decided to use the part of the hour or two I can sit at a desk each day to sketch. At first I figured I’d just do still life out of desperation, but sitting has made for a fairly still life the last few weeks.

The more I think about it, the better the subject matter fits.

We are All Charlie

I have no illusions about my own courage. I have none.

But today I have the unmitigated gall to say, “Je suis Charlie” not because I’ve discovered a well of courage that would let me post something truly provocative (if I had the abilty to do so).  I say it in solidarity with and support of the great artists and writers who do make us stop and stare and gasp in disgust in dismay.  I say it because to stop those who would take out a magazine staff for the crime of making a cartoon, we all need to say it.

We all need to say, “This is not the world we want.”

I let fear of failure or fear of inadequacy govern too much of my life.  But these are fears I manufacture, and I will be damned if any voices outside my head tell me what I can and can’t create.  I say Je Suis Charlie because I believe in a world where the only limitations on our thoughts and speech are the ones created by ourselves -not by some nameless masked maniac who thinks they have a sole monopoly on virtue or truth.

I don’t know if I’d have the courage to die for that belief, but reading more about the fears the editors and authors of Charlie Hedbo had to face every day just to go to work, I am willing to work to find the fortitude to live up to it.

#jesuischarlie

Happy New Year Happy Common Threads

DSC_0018

With the holidays over, most people in our neck of the woods go into a variation of hibernation mode.  It makes this month’s Common Threads artist’s Give Away perfectly timed.

Jane McMillen of Little House Home Arts is giving away this clever acorn pincushion. The pincushion measures about 4 ½ inches long from tip of stem to bottom bead and about 3 inches wide (across at widest part).  Constructed of three different felted wools and stuffed with polyfil, Jane machine and hand-stitched the cushion,  embellishing it with feather stitching in pearl cotton.  According to Jane, the acorn is a symbol of health, wealth, prosperity and good luck “making it a fitting New Year’s give-away prize for sewer or non-sewer alike.”

To qualify to win just head over to Jane’s blog and leave a comment. The winner will be chosen at random on and announced on Thursday. When you’ve visted Jane’s blog, take a minute and stop by the blogs of the other artists in our group sites and see what their latest offerings:

Full Moon Fiber Art

Bedlam Farm

Pugs & Pics.

Monday Minutes

The rest of the house is still asleep when eight-year-old Thing2 emerges from his bunk bed fort. He skates into the kitchen with a soft groan, “Mo-o-o-m.”

Then he notices the tea next to my computer where normally a diet soda would be.

“Whoa, that’s the first time I’ve seen you drink tea instead of diet soda,” he says wrapping his arms around my neck and squeezing. “I’m so proud of you,” he says sounding like a parent.

I move my larynx a little to avoid having it crushed and let him melt around me for an extended hug. He suddenly starts to jitterbug and says, “I have to go pee.”

And I’m left wondering what the next Monday minute will bring.

The Worst Thing in the World

A few weeks ago I was on my way to a nearby cafe to work on emails before an afternoon appointment.  I was feeling stylish in my snazzy new glasses and least ratty outfit, on my way to get caught up on work so I could blog to my heart’s content.

But instead, the worst thing in the world happened that day.

Less than ten feet from my car, I walked over a patch of black ice and decided to try out a side lunge that would put an Olympic gymnast to shame. The Olympic gymnast might have known how to lunge without snapping anything.  I’m not that adroit.

A good Samaritan was soon helping me crawl back to my car where I used my good foot to drive down to the ER, all the way  screeching a pitch-perfect rendition of Marriage of Figaro (well, the high notes anyway).  It would be afternoon before the Big Guy wheeled me out to the car bearing a snazzy new cast and equally snazzy crutches.

And the worst thing in the world was still waiting to happen.

About the time I crawled in the front door, I realized I was going to need help with a few things – hobbling, bathing, cooking a roast beef with Yorkshire pudding – over the next few days.  The Big Guy was a true hero, helping me get to the recliner as he got dinner started – all in a single bound.  Thing1 and Thing2 came home soon after, eager to wait on me hand and foot.

Being waited on was fun for about fifteen minutes.

At the end of the fifteen minutes, I started to feel guilty every time I had to ask someone else for help with things I never think about.  A well-known squirmer, I could feel my butt developing hives as I watched the Big Guy and the boys do my jobs.  I worried about burdening others with everyday duties like laundry – which, in an off-grid house, is a fine-tuned procedure in the winter.  And that’s when the worst thing in the world happened.

See, once in a while I indulge in this fantasy about getting JK Rowling or SuperLotto Jackpot winner rich (you know you do it too).   Usually the fantasy involves being thin enough to enjoy an orgy of shopping and the house getting clean without me cleaning it. As I watched my own family get dinner and pillows, however, I realized I wouldn’t ever have that fantasy again (except for the thin part of course).

Suddenly, there was the unpleasant recognition that on the few occasions my house is clean, it’s because I’ve been watching too many DIY shows and want the satisfaction of doing it myself.  There was the inconveniet knowledge that while, I work to pay bills and keep the health insurance going, it doesn’t matter if I ever make a dime writing or drawing – my life work – as long as I get to do them.

And that was the absolute worst thing in the world – that realization that, even with a bum leg, an eye determined to deteriorate, work overload, and a list of upcoming chores a mile long, my reality was still way better than my best fantasy.

Decisions, Decisions

DietSmash

My Photoshop License did not follow me quietly into the good morning of migrating to a new MacBook. Faced with either a $700 purchase of new software or a $19.99/mo subscription to feed my cartooning habit, I made the obvious decision.

I cancelled that subscription to $18.95/mo Dieters Anonymous that was just collecting dust anyway and downloaded the free graphic design software.  I’m not sure if it was a good thing that it was such an easy decision, but I’m pretty sure the logic was sound.

Moral: In crisis there is opportunity.  And sometimes chocolate.

From Dreaming to Discovering

Screen Shot 2014-12-07 at 12.56.34 PM

I’m spending the afternoon on working on a book of sketches that has been in the works for quite a few months.

When I read through the first draft as I formatted it last week and started really thinking about what those images really meant.  At the time each of them was a cheap way to illustrate a blog, but as a collection, they represent so much more for me.

They represent a revolutionary change in my life.  I’m not making a living as a writer or an artist because of them, but the drawing and the writing is not about making money. It’s about making a life.   And that’s ultimately what the book – and the doodles – are about.